The Judgment Connection
We all desire that H’shem inscribe us in the Book of Life, granting health, prosperity, and nachas. Rav Ashkenazi teaches that our chances of being sealed in the "Book of a Good Life" this Rosh Hashanah depend significantly on how we judge others.
Research Into Relationships
Rav Ashkenazi conducted an in-depth study of human relationships, focusing on individuals who had experienced significant changes in their personal and interpersonal dynamics. His research specifically examined cases where relationships had deteriorated or ended.
Through this study, Rav Ashkenazi discovered a common pattern among those who had "given up and broken off" their relationships. He found that these individuals often felt burnt out or rejected because they didn't receive something they had expected or asked for from the other person.
The Expectation Trap
This insight highlights the crucial role of unmet expectations in relationship breakdowns. Our disappointments are frequently rooted not in others' actions, but in our own expectations of how they "should" behave.
When we expect others to act according to our wishes and they don't, we often react with judgment rather than understanding. This cycle damages our relationships and, as our sages teach, affects how we ourselves are judged.
The Divine Mirror
Rav Ashkenazi's findings emphasize the importance of managing our expectations and practicing favorable judgment towards others. This approach aligns with the spiritual principle taught by our sages:
"הדן חבירו לכף זכות, דנין אותו לזכות" - "If one judges his friend favorably, Hashem will judge him favorably." (Shabbat 127b)
Parshat Shoftim commands us to appoint judges, using the singular "לך" rather than the plural "לכם," teaching us that we must first judge ourselves and others favorably before seeking judgment elsewhere.
The Balance of Response
There are times to react and times to stay quiet, times to protect and times to forgive. The key to a "Shanah Tovah" and harmonious relationships lies in our ability to look past others' faults and release our rigid expectations.
Practical Applications
Communication:
Before speaking, pause and consider: Am I reacting with wisdom or emotion? Give others the benefit of the doubt, asking yourself, "What positive intention might be behind their actions?"
Self-Improvement:
Let go of expectations for yourself, others, and life itself. See things as they are, not as you expect them to be. Remember: Expectations breed disappointment. Appreciate relationships for what they are, not what you believe they should be.
Emuna, Bitachon, and Tefilah:
Internalize that everything comes from H’shem. In your prayers, ask for the wisdom to view others through a lens of compassion and understanding, so that you, too, may be judged favorably and sealed in the "Book of Good Life."
As we approach the Days of Judgment, remember that how we judge others creates the spiritual mirror through which we ourselves are judged. By cultivating compassion and understanding in our relationships, we open the gates for H’shem's compassion and understanding toward us, bringing blessing into every aspect of our lives.
Daily Reminders:
Recite 10 Perakim of Tehillim daily to finish twice by Rosh Hashanah (יא-כ)
Recite Perek כז twice daily according to your minhag (לדוד ה' אורי וישעי)
Photo by Ben White on Unsplash
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