Love is one of the strongest emotions, capable of paralyzing our rational actions.
Rabbi J. Sacks, a'h, intrigued by the Torah portion expounding on the laws pertaining to family and inheritance, comments: "In Parsha Ki Seitzei, when the Torah describes one who has two wives, it says 'One he loves and one he hates.' This language appears again in the Torah portion involving Yaakov and his two wives. "Rochel was loved, and Leah was 'senuah' (hated)." Could this be possible? Could Yaakov Avinu HATE his wife?
The Torah's choice of words has opened a window into our souls. There is not one extra word or letter in the Torah. Knowing the greatness of Yaakov Avinu and the prohibition of a man living with a wife he 'hates,' we understand that Yaakov did not hate Leah; he simply loved Rochel more. Why does the Torah use such strong language regarding Leah being loved a bit less? To quote Rabbi Sacks, "Leah was loved less than Rochel. Yaakov did not hate her, but she felt hated because she was less loved, thus unloved." The Torah is not describing Yaakov's feelings towards Leah when using the term hate; the Torah is explaining how Leah felt.
This is a revolution in the realm of relationships. How often do we get into an argument with someone, where they interpret what we said was not what we meant!? I would like to suggest that the Torah is teaching us that truth is not only what we communicate with our words or actions, but the truth is just as truthful in how someone else interprets our actions. By integrating this lesson into our relationships, we can begin treating and speaking to those around us with the awareness that their interpretation of our actions and words is as much a reality as how we interpret our actions, even if the two are not the same.
Communication: Words and tones must be adapted to how the one we are speaking to will accept what we are trying to say. When conveying our message, we must take great care that our words and tone are received correctly.
Self-Improvement: An essential step in character development is to take a step back and assess how others see us. We are often so involved in how we see ourselves that we ignore what message we are projecting to others. Instead, we need to ask ourselves, "Do others see me the way I want to be seen? Or are my actions hurting my relationships"? In your relationships, before reacting, don't only look at how you see yourself; take care of how others will perceive you.
Emuna, Bitachon, and Tefilah: Are you projecting feelings of rejection in how H'shem is "treating you?" I know this is an explosive statement. Unfortunately, I hear it with unspoken words all the time. "H'shem is punishing me; I don't feel Him in my life. I feel alone, like H'shem has left me." Realizing that we interpret things according to our limited perspective, we can easily cast doubt on feeling loved by H'shem. If we recognize that those feelings stem from our own disappointment in how we perceive things, we can separate between H'shem loving us and doing what is best for us. When reciting Tefilat Shema, take a few moments to connect with H'shem. If there are feelings of abandonment, resentment, or rejection, chas vishalom, work on expelling them from your heart and replacing them with complete love for Him and Him for you.
Conclusion: The wisdom of the Torah reveals that perception creates reality in relationships. By understanding that others' feelings about our actions are valid truths—even when they differ from our intentions—we can develop greater empathy and more effective communication. This awareness applies not only to our human relationships but also to our relationship with the H’shem, helping us recognize that our feelings of distance may reflect our perception rather than H'shem's love for us.
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